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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 149 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Dec 12, 2012 11:00pm PST
. not everything, but a lot. whoopee! news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." [cheering and applause] [theme music playing] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have a good one for you tonight. newark mayor cory booker will be joining us, but let's begin tonight as i really should begin almost every night, with an apology. we've had a bit of fun here over the years concerning what is commonly referred to this time of year as the war on christmas where a small band of 70% of the country have fought tirelessly for the right to openly celebrate the feast day of their lord's birth, to have a mass on that day honoring their christ, a mass christ, if you will. [laughter] now, we have poked fun at this, saying such things as, there is no war on christmas or you're [bleeped] crazy. [laughter] classic wit. that was before i realized what these poor folks have been going through. >> this is the thing about atheists, they bully other religions. >> they're trying to put their hands in my religion. >> it's about being intolerant to the nature of
Comedy Central
Dec 3, 2012 11:00pm PST
stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. got a good one for you tonight. denis leary will be on the program, author of the new york, merry [bleep] christmas. am i reading that title correctly? iÑi can only assume it's a delightful romp to holiday cooking and decorating. leary loves crafting. speaking of christmas, you probably are aware by now our nation has been embroiled in a long, bitter war. >> the first salvo in the war on christmas >> the war on christmas jon: war on christmas! not to be confused with gwar on christmas. tremendous christmas album. for years now christmas has been under attack defended by the brave souls at fox news. are they still up to the task? that is the subject of tonight's "war on christmas, friendly fire" edition. let's face facts. the annual fox war on christmas has become a little predictable. basically imagine you can make one up like a make fox news mad libs. let's see. so let's see. let's try to do one of these. last week in... i need the name of some godless liber
Comedy Central
Dec 13, 2012 7:30pm PST
... [laughter] [speaking in a ghost voice]: but it's time to look at your past. take my hand, jon stewart. jon jon we will fly. [speaking in a ghost voice]: we will fly, fly, fly, jon. >> jon: fly. [speaking in a ghost voice]: fly, fly. >> jon: this feels a lot like walking. where are we? this is going to be exciting. oh, my god, that's my old middle school. [speaking in a ghost voice]: that's right, jon stewart, behold. >> i have a millennium falcon for christmas. >> i got an electric guitar. i got a new bike. >> hey, jon, what did you get for hanukkah? >> i got a pomegranate. >> a what? >> a pomegranate. it's a fruit. you eat the seeds. >> what kind of dweeb eats seeds? >> it was the second night. we always get fruit. [laughter] [speaking in a ghost voice]: good times. >> jon: no, not good times. everybody made fun of me because i brought fruit in. >> it had a lot of vitamin k. >> jon: who are you? >> seriously? how long have i worked here? >> jon: new york i mean, in the bit, who are you? [speaking in a ghost voice]: i am the alternate ghost of christmas past. what if you had your wish and
Comedy Central
Dec 5, 2012 11:00pm PST
show" with jon stewart ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the "daily show." what a good one we have for you tonight. my name is jon stewart. our guest tonight, alan simpson-- one-third of the singing trio "ashford and simpson and bowles" ( laughter ) you should not get their album. they're not very good. let's begin tonight with america. it's great! and republicans in the united states senate think it's about time america cafta, side it's famed humility and let the world see the awesomeness that is us. >> the nation and the world need strong american leadership. >> we need to continue to lead the world. >> we wanted our example to inspire the people of the earth. >> they're waiting for america to lead the way. >> we are as a nation a beacon of hope for many across the globe. >> we've created a beacon of hope and opportunity for the rest of the world. >> jon: a beacon of hope. a home beacon, a-- come on, world! follow our leadership. did you hear me, world? come on, follow! ( laughter ) don't make me send in the ( bleep ) drones. get behind us. come on! ( laughter ) i will rain
Comedy Central
Dec 6, 2012 11:00pm PST
... ♪ >> from company dee central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. we've got a show for you tonight. going to break the bank. my guest tonight, right here on this stage, should i say a certain boss from new jersey? (cheers and applause) not that one. governor chris christie. huh? he's the boss. (applause) the other boss. folks, we've been so wrapped up here in this country with our election, our fiscal cliff, our inattention to events in egypt and syria that we forget there are important international stories that deserve our focus. and then there's this one. >> yes, exciting the british royalty is expanding am will and kate with preggers. >> see that, it's a royal baby bump, what a joy to be here on this day of celebration. >> there's the picture on the times, we're expecting. and then i love this one, kate's expectations. (applause) >> jon: not bad. kind of obvious, i mean if you want to go with pregnancy puns based on british li
Comedy Central
Dec 7, 2012 7:00pm PST
, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. we've got a show for you tonight. going to break the bank. my guest tonight, right here on this stage, should i say a certain boss from n
Comedy Central
Dec 10, 2012 11:00pm PST
news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. we have a good one tonight. bishop gene robinson is going to be here a all i know about religion is this: apparently he can only move diagonally. that's a chess move, baby. a bishop chess joke. let me just give you my lunch money now. let's begin tonight in the world of sport. i don't know if anybody here knows this. i happen to enjoy sport. i like watching other people talk about them. i like listening to people on the radio call in to talk about sports. you know what i do with that knowledge? i make can't-miss bets. you know what i do with my winnings? you think i do nice things with them for society? no. i spend all my gambling winnings on the first commercial i see after a game ends. hello, brooklyn lantern. looks like some people won't have to eat pasta again with a flashlight. no! by the way i do want to tell that woman you could have just somebody hold the flashlight. then you co
Comedy Central
Nov 30, 2012 7:00pm PST
second. nevertheless there are no friends on the best-seller list, as papa bear proved on the jon stewart show. >> so you got killing lincoln, killing kennedy, what is the next one? >> killing colbert. >> jon: oh, that's nice. no, i cannot advise, you have stepped over the line, sir! (laughter) >> okay, okay. no big deal. (laughter) all right, nation, [bleep] is on. it is time for you to defend america, if by america you mean me, and i usually do. tonight i am launching operation killing killing kennedy. i need everyone-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i need everyone within the sound of my voice to go buy my book and for the record this isn't me abusing our relationship by telling you to buy my book. this is me reminding you you're going tow buy my book eventually. just don't do it in dribs and drabs. let's get it all done in one week and rock it to the top! (cheers and applause) and and if that rocket, and if that rocket happens to go right up bill o'reilly's ass, well then merry christmas. (cheers and applause) we'll be right back. >> welcome back. his new book is called the particl
Dec 7, 2012 2:30am PST
in sports. >>> and governor chris christie drops by "the daily show," where jon stewart asks him what he really thinks -- >> oh, that will be good. >> -- about barack obama. that story and a check on the weather when we come right back. >>> the planes coming in for the attack. they had sneaked in from aircraft carriers lying 275 miles along. most of us had never heard of pearl harbor before the bulletins broke, but we've never forgotten where we were when we heard that news. ♪ if it wasn't for you ♪ don't know what i'd do ♪ i'd have nothing to prove [ male announcer ] introducing the celebration diamond collection. zales is the diamond store. let love shine. ...but he'd wait for her forever, for any reason, and would always be there with the biggest welcome home. for a love this strong, dawn only feeds him iams. compared to other leading brands, it has 50% more animal protein. help keep rocky's body as strong as a love that never fades... if he ever lets her leave again. iams. keep love strong. ♪ >>> live look at times square on this friday morning, and we are counting down
Dec 12, 2012 2:30am PST
in sports. >>> and this is a good one, jon stewart channels rapper eminem, coming up with rhymes for the michigan protest. that and a check on weather when "way too early" comes right back. >>> she spoke in court for the first time since the trial began. sobbing, she asked the judge for mercy, saying she was ashamed and living a nightmare. the judge was not persuaded. he told hemsley she was a product of greed and was at the ape yej of a period of wrongdoing. the sentence, he said, was a message to all taxpayers. it's my favorite time of year again and now -- i got a great new way to get deals. it's called bankamerideals, from bank of america. i choose the cash back deals in my mobile or online banking. i just use my bank of america debit or credit card when i pay. and i get as much as 15% cash back -- put into my account. this is cash back on top of other rewards i already get. best of all -- it's free. happy holidays. [ male announcer ] introducing bankamerideals, free for online banking customers. sign in to your online banking to choose your deals today. progresso. in what wo
Dec 4, 2012 2:30am PST
highlights next in sports. >>> plus, jon stewart is fed up with gridlock in washington. we'll show you his hilarious take on filibuster rules. >>> and we'll check the weather because we have to. it's part of his contract. i'm done! "are you a cool mom?" i'm gonna find out. [ female announcer ] swiffer wetjet's pads are better than ever. now they have the scrubbing power of mr. clean magic eraser so you don't have to get down on your hands and knees to scrub away tough, dried-on stains. hey, do you guys think i'm "momtacular" or "momtrocious"? ♪ [ female announcer ] swiffer. now with the scrubbing power of mr. clean magic eraser. he's going to apply testosterone to his underarm. axiron, the only underarm treatment for low t, can restore testosterone levels back to normal in most men. axiron is not for use in women or anyone younger than 18. axiron can transfer to others through direct contact. women, especially those who are or who may become pregnant, and children should avoid contact where axiron is applied as unexpected signs of puberty in children or changes in body hair or increased
Dec 5, 2012 2:30am PST
.a. dicky stopped by the dicky show last night where jon stewart explained why his cy young win was bad news for the mets. >> this tremendous story, this tremendous success, i guess my question is how will the new york mets screw this up. i'm a long time mets fan and it does create a dilemma because when a player such as yourself comes along and has such grand success, there is in the back of your mind a feeling of like, no, no, dude, keep your head down, don't win the cy young, because if you do, they will sell you you on the open market. like you want you to be good, but not so great. >> dicky went on to tell stewart that he would love to stay in new york, but espn reported on monday eight teams have already spoken to the mets about potential trades. and finally, following a weekend of tragedy for the nfl, texans wide receiver andre johnson spread holiday cheer to a dozen kids in need by picking up the tab on a nearly $20,000 shopping spree. yesterday the pro bowler took a group of kids shopping and he gave them 80 seconds to pick out gifts. the final receipt ended up being taller than the
Comedy Central
Dec 6, 2012 7:00pm PST
" with jon stewart ( cheers and applause ) >> jon
Comedy Central
Dec 13, 2012 11:00pm PST
to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. last show of 2012 and obviously if the mayans are correct-- (laughter) last show. our guest tonight my niece kristen leibowitz will be joining us-- i'm sorry, stewart. she must have changed it. i want to thank everybody, boy, that 12-12-12 concert last night, everybody that much wad, everybody that participated, everybody that says you have no idea how it boyd the spirits of everybody there. it was just-- it was good. thank you so much. but let's begin tonight with the discussion of marriage. as you know marriage is under attack. so much so that our congress passed a defense of marriage act. and president clinton signed it into law because it was the '90s and everything was ironic. (laughter) the defense of marriage act protected marriage from the scourge of no fault divorce and economic volatility and family care issues that put so much strain on marriage-- i'm kidding. it was about gay people. it protected marriage from gay people. in fact, gay people are considered such a threat to marriage that in addition to a federal defense of marriag
Dec 7, 2012 7:00pm PST
, and scott walker in wisconsin. during his appearance on the daily show, jon stewart took christie to task over his obama care stance. >> the difference is that here we have people in new jersey who are in a crisis situation that could not be anticipated. and from my perspective, the federal government has always stood up for that proposition whether it was katrina, ike, gustaf, they've come forward and done that. nothing different here. >> here is my point, and this is where i part ways with the republican party in an enormous way. 2/3 you have cancer and you don't have health insurance, that's hurricane sandy. >> christie did tell jon stewart that he may change his mind on a state-run exchange later. joining me now former dnc chairman and former vermont governor howard dean. governor dean, thanks for joining us. my first question is -- >> thanks for having me on. >> what are the implications of christie's veto for new jersey residents? >> well, leaving the politics aside, it's very interesting. i actually think the republicans who really don't quite a clue on health care are actually wit
Dec 14, 2012 1:40am PST
stewart's show and why. >> jon had some harsh words. and a bad boy actor and his heartfelt act of good will. all coming up next in "the skinny." >> "world news now" continues after this from our abc stations. ♪ ♪ skippy, so skinny >>> this is willis' favorite segment. golden globe nominations were announced yesterday. lots to get to here. let's just hop into it. the big deal is that this is a precursor to the oscars. we're getting into awards season now. here we go. apparently the day belonged to the movie "lincoln." not a shocker here. everyone is raving about this movie, for the most part. >> which none of us have seen yet. >> i'm dying to. just slow getting to the movies. and "argo" ben affleck's movie did very well. both of them got nominated for best picture drama. on top of "life of pie," "zero dark thirty." best actress, jessica chastain, helen mirren, naomi watts, rachel wise. best actor drama -- daniel day lewis for "lincoln." richard gere, john hawks, jauquin phoenix and denzel washington for "flight." so those are the highlights. and for the sake of the commish, do want
Comedy Central
Dec 3, 2012 10:00am PST
is jon stewart! we've got one for you tonight, man. we're not messing around. our guest tonight, noted -- (audience yells something) i'm sorry? i hope that was not an anti-semitic slur. our guest tonight -- (laughs) it's my birthday today so -- (cheers and applause) thank you for the kind wishes. (cheers and applause) thank you for the kind birthday wishes, again, thank you. very kind. but let's get to our show! the noted author and inventor neil young is going to be joining us. (cheers and applause) we begin tonight with the attacks on the u.s. consulate in benghazi, libya. it was a tragic situation where american lives were lost and in the three months since the attack, legitimate questions of adequate embassy security, americas overall advocacy in fighting the war on terror and the intricate dance between national security confidentiality and the public's right to know have all been distilled down, thrown out and replaced with this one urgent conclusion concerning current u.s. ambassador to united nations susan rice. >> i will do everything in my power to black her from being the un
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 149 (some duplicates have been removed)